Jane from Kent is our No.1 Carer of the month and has been kind enough to share her story with us. (names have been changed to protect identity as the Carer wishes to remain anonymous)
I have been a full-time Carer to my daughter Alison, for the last ten years now, and I have found my role as Carer very challenging at times, but largely rewarding. My daughter suffers with manic depression, an eating disorder and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). When I heard about the website I wanted very much to be a part of it and to meet other like-minded carers like myself to find friendship and support and to share each others highs and lows. After all, a troubled shared is a trouble halved they say, and I certainly believe that to be true. I know how different I feel after a chat with a friend for a couple of hours, but someone who has not experienced mental health issues simply doesn’t understand what I am going through and the hopelessness I feel sometimes when times are tough.
On a more positive note, I have found that what helps me to cope is to find some quality time for me. Even if I snatch a quick 20 minutes to soak in the bath early in the morning or late at night, or I book a facial or a manicure as a special treat, it picks me up and makes me feel human again. I tend to look a bit bedraggled and weatherworn most of the time, because as a Carer (and I know you know this all too well) we are used to putting ourselves second and caring for our loved one first, but when I do take time out for me it gives me that well deserved pick-me-up and renewed vigour to face the tasks ahead. Please don’t feel guilty about taking time out for yourself because we all need to be a bit selfish, to take better care of our own health in order to give better care to our loved one or family member.
I also don’t set myself unrealistic goals any longer, if I have 12 things on my list of ‘to-do’ things, and I only get 4 done I will have done those 4 things well and prioritised so that the ones that CAN wait DO wait until another day. If one of them was cleaning the kitchen floor then the floor will be spotless and I will have done a job well and feel satisfied that I completed a task. The old me would have kept going relentlessly and tirelessly even though I was mentally and physically exhausted but to what avail. An exhausted Carer is not a good Carer and is no good to man nor beast!
After ten years of Caring (and a lot of mistakes along the way) I have changed a great deal. I used to get very stressed if the house wasn’t spotless and my daughter didn’t look all spic and span, (it didn’t matter if I was leaving the house with my hair resembling a birds nest scrunched up on the top of my head and chipped nail varnish on my big toe), so long as Alison was cared for and I was portraying the image of coping - I WAS COPING!! Well, who was I kidding; no-one but myself really. Now I don’t feel ashamed to admit when I’m not coping, and at these difficult times ask for help, (if a friend or family member I can trust, offers to help I don’t hesitate to accept it with gratitude and nowadays I don’t EVEN attempt to climb Mount Everest all in one go, I take much smaller steps - but I get there in the end - and that’s all that matters!
Footnote: Do something you enjoy today: give yourself that well deserved pick-me-up